Dear Parent,
I’m Ella Martins. My years counselling students have shown me that prevention saves more than time — it saves hope. Joining HAPHE meant working in a way that reaches before crisis. I write as a counsellor and as a parent who believes in gentle foresight.
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When They Can’t Stop Fixing Others
How caring too much for others can quietly erase the self
6 Mins
Ella Martins
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Jonas (real name withheld) arrived mid-afternoon, files spilling from his arms. “Sorry—I’ve been working straight through,” he said. He laughed when I asked about sleep. Rest felt like failure to him; motion, the only safety.
She told me she was known as “the helper.” Everyone called, few listened. “If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish,” she said. Her identity was built on usefulness. The more she gave, the less she recognised herself. It was care turned into currency, generosity without return.
It became clear that her generosity was a disguise for disappearance. Helping had become her only way to belong. Over-investment in service can look saintly but leaves no room for replenishment. True care circulates; it doesn’t drain.
Certainty cracks where affection once stood
I’ve learned that helpers often mirror the burnout patterns they try to heal. Over-giving is a quiet epidemic. Prevention means normalising rest as part of service and recognising that sustainability, not sacrifice, defines true care. Compassion that loops back replenishes rather than drains.
If your child is always the helper, remind them that love doesn’t demand depletion. Ask what fills them, not just what they fix. Encourage breaks without apology. Prevention begins when care includes the caregiver. Show them through your own habits that rest strengthens compassion rather than reducing it.
If your child is always the helper, remind them that love doesn’t demand depletion. Ask what fills them, not just what they fix. Encourage breaks without apology. Prevention begins when care includes the caregiver. Show them through your own habits that rest strengthens compassion rather than reducing it.
New light through old doubt
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He had learned to care so completely that he’d forgotten reciprocity. Every problem around him became his to fix. When empathy forgets to loop back, it turns into erosion. We rebuilt boundaries not as walls but as circulatory systems — care that flows, not floods.
Awareness offered with gratitude.
He began to ask for help before exhaustion, not after. Each time he did, the load lightened for everyone. The bravest moment in any helper’s story is admitting they need help too. Balance here isn’t independence; it’s interdependence, the invisible bridge between strength and surrender.
He now calls himself a “recovering fixer.” The humour in that tells me how far he’s come. Empathy hasn’t left him; it’s matured. He listens without absorbing, helps without erasing himself. Prevention achieved quietly what advice rarely can — balance that lasts beyond the room.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “Who checks in on you the way you check on others?” It reminds helpers that reciprocity sustains compassion.
2. Encourage them to try groups lightly. A reminder like, “If one doesn’t fit, another might,” protects them from collapse when strain appears.
3. Say: “How do you rest your empathy?” Teaching helpers to step back protects sustainability.
4. Say, “Belonging is not about being perfect; it’s about being real.” This reassures them when groups bring both welcome and strain.
Together we can notice patterns before crisis comes. With care, Ella Martins, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Together we can notice patterns before crisis comes. With care, Ella Martins, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
With respect,
Ella Martins
Could You Help ?
Over ten percent of students described distress when group belonging turned to rejection or pressure. CAFÉ Check-Ins teach balance, preparing them for both welcome and strain. Your support sustains prevention, and sharing our message online extends this impact to more campuses.
Friends, Self, Caregiving