Dear Parent,
I’m Ella Martins. My background is in university counselling and youth development, but my interest in prevention began at home. HAPHE offered a way to connect both. I’m writing as both counsellor and parent, hoping these reflections help you see what our children often cannot say.
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When They Forget They’re Still Growing
How easily growth hides behind the illusion of being finished
7 Mins
Ella Martins
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Three weeks ago, I met a student I’ll call Eleanor (real name withheld). She’d cancelled twice, apologising each time with “just one more revision night.” When she finally arrived, she carried flashcards and exhaustion. Her goals were immaculate; her breathing wasn’t. “If I slow down, I’ll lose everything,” she said. I remember thinking how devotion to a dream can sometimes look like survival.
He arrived late, breathless, apologising for being behind in everything. “I should be more together,” he said. I'd seen this many times before. He spoke of milestones as if they were checkpoints on a race he was losing. Growth, to him, meant never pausing. I wondered when ambition stopped meaning movement and started meaning measurement.
It struck me that growth had been mistaken for finishing. He’d invested identity in milestones rather than journey too. When achievement defines existence, evolution feels like failure. Balance means recognising that becoming is endless — and that’s the gift.
Silence growing where words once healed
Developmental psychologists remind us that growth is continuous. Treating adulthood as arrival breeds crisis. Students need to view life as iterative — goals shifting without shame. Prevention is reframing progress as adaptation, not perfection.
If your child feels behind, reassure them that growth is not a race but a rhythm. Share how your own milestones arrived unevenly. Celebrate adaptability, not acceleration. The aim isn’t catching up — it’s continuing. Your perspective restores proportion, turning pressure back into purpose.
If your child feels behind, reassure them that growth is not a race but a rhythm. Share how your own milestones arrived unevenly. Celebrate adaptability, not acceleration. The aim isn’t catching up — it’s continuing. Your perspective restores proportion, turning pressure back into purpose.
Stillness chosen, not chased
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He arrived certain he’d “peaked too early.” Beneath humour was fear — that growth had finished. We unpacked how maturity isn’t a finish line but a widening road. Relief came when he realised that outgrowing one stage means arriving at the next.
We’re here to inform, not instruct.
He wrote to me months later, saying, “I think I’m still becoming.” I replied, “That’s the healthiest thing I’ve heard all year.” Growth, it turns out, is not a finish line but an ongoing conversation with the self. Balance simply keeps the dialogue alive.
He now leads workshops for new students, starting each session with the phrase, “You’re allowed to change your mind.” I smile every time I hear it. That’s the legacy of balance — awareness passed forward, ensuring the next wave begins lighter than the last.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “If nothing had to be achieved this month, what would you still love doing?” It re-anchors growth in curiosity, not competition.
2. Ask: “What part of you feels most calm when you play? Where else might those feelings be waiting?” (Adam, gaming)
3. Ask: “What have you learned recently that surprised you about resilience?” Curiosity restores forward motion.
4. Say: “You’ve built a safe place. Now let’s add one more even if it starts small.” (Adam, gaming)
Thank you for joining us in preventing trauma. With care, Ella Martins, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Thank you for joining us in preventing trauma. With care, Ella Martins, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
Warmly,
Ella Martins
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