Praying in silence and doubting in secret
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When My Faith Began To Fade
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5 Mins
Daniel Okoro
Edited By:
My Diaries Anonymous: Yusuf H., International Relations
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Every time I miss Friday prayers, I feel this wave of guilt, like God’s tallying it up somewhere. I don’t even tell my flatmates I believe it feels safer to just join them at pres and pretend. My parents think I’m still the devout one, the reliable one. But half the time I’m caught between two worlds, not sure which one is actually me anymore.
Some nights I pray quietly and feel nothing, then panic that the emptiness itself is a sign of failing. I’ve googled “how to know if you’ve lost faith” more times than I’d ever admit. And the weirdest part? I envy my flatmates who don’t believe at all because at least they’re not living in two worlds where each silence feels like betrayal.
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Faith doubts feel heavier when silence replaces belief
When I walk into church, I paste on a smile, but inside I’m terrified that my silence betrays me. I want to ask someone how they hold on when the prayers don’t land, but I’m scared that saying it out loud will make it real. So instead, I stay quiet, sing the songs, and carry a secret that feels heavier with every service.
The hardest part is that I’ve learned how to play the part of belief so well that even I sometimes forget I’m faking it. I sing the songs, bow my head, nod at the right moments but inside, I’m floating. Disconnected. And when everyone else seems so sure, I feel like a fraud in a room full of certainty. I want to ask the hard questions, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to. So I stay quiet and let the silence swell, hoping no one hears the doubt screaming in my chest.
Faith can feel like the last thread holding you together. I remember sitting in chapel, mouthing words I wasn’t sure I believed. I started journalling prayers as questions, not statements it let me breathe without pretending.
Faith gets harder when silence starts feeling louder than the prayers.
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I’m still wrestling with it, but thinking of faith as one part of my balance rather than my entire anchor makes the doubt less terrifying. It means a bad day doesn’t have to unravel everything.
I used to think faith was supposed to be grounding, but sometimes it feels more like a test I’m failing. The more I struggle, the more guilty I feel, and that cycle is heavy. I’ve read about how lots of people our age are wrestling with belief, and it comforts me to know I’m not the only one caught between doubt and devotion. What makes it harder now is how public everything feels parents, friends, socials it’s like you can’t wrestle quietly anymore. And when something so central wobbles, it doesn’t just bruise faith, it rattles identity.
Faith should hold you, not trap you when it’s tied too tightly to identity, doubt feels like collapse.
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HAPHE findings are mind blowing for me. They show that when faith is tied too tightly to identity, even small questions or lapses can feel catastrophic. The students who shared their experiences weren’t weak or faithless they were honest about how destabilising it is when certainty or nothing is what you are told to have. The research shows that questioning your faith can be problematic. Trauma isn’t from doubt alone, but from over-investment in the promise that belief can never shift or be questioned. When that promise cracks, the weight of silence grows.
Some Tips
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1. Keep a private journal or voice note log after services it gives you a space to be honest about how you’re really feeling in your faith.
2. Reach out to someone who makes faith feel safe a peer, a chaplain, or even a stranger online who’s honest about their journey.
3. Read about spiritual journeys that include silence, doubt, and wandering faith isn’t a straight line for most of us.
4. Find comfort in ritual even when faith feels distant, the act of returning can be grounding in itself.
Hang in there you’re not alone, even when it feels like it. Wishing you the very best
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Daniel Okoro
De Montfort University, Theology
This entry has been edited for language consistency and shared anonymously with the writer’s blessing. Identifying details have been changed. Recent studies show 74% of students report feeling overwhelmed. We hope this story helps someone feel less alone. HAPHE exists to encourage diversifying your sense of self, so no one setback defines you. View the HAPHE Pledge here: