Dear Parent,
I’m Ayla Thompson, a counsellor who has worked with students across different faculties and backgrounds. I joined HAPHE because I saw prevention as the missing layer in wellbeing — the part that starts before help is asked for. I write as both counsellor and parent, grateful for your presence in this conversation.
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When Confidence Turns into Disguise
When confidence becomes a mask for exhaustion
6 Mins
Ayla Thompson
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When Noah (real name withheld) arrived, he brought biscuits for the staff. “I like helping,” he said. The room smelled of kindness and fatigue. By the end he whispered, “Sometimes I wish someone would help me back.” His giving had nowhere to rest.
She described being the dependable one: presentations flawless, interviews smooth. “If I stop smiling, people ask what’s wrong.” The mask was muscle memory now. Even joy felt rehearsed. She was performing competence so well she’d forgotten how to rest inside imperfection.
It struck me that confidence, repeated too long, becomes costume. She had learned to perform ease to avoid concern. When identity relies solely on performance, authenticity becomes frightening. She needed to see that being seen unpolished is part of being whole.
Belief and belonging start to blur together
In performance cultures, confidence often becomes a public shield. Studies of student mental health link perfectionism with exhaustion more than failure. The pattern isn’t rare — it’s rewarded. Prevention happens when self-acceptance is taught as a competency, not a consolation prize.
If your child seems endlessly “together,” notice the fatigue beneath polish. Ask what parts of their day feel most real. Praise sincerity over performance. You can help them relearn that vulnerability is not weakness but recalibration. When home becomes a space where they can remove their armour, confidence becomes authentic again.
If your child seems endlessly “together,” notice the fatigue beneath polish. Ask what parts of their day feel most real. Praise sincerity over performance. You can help them relearn that vulnerability is not weakness but recalibration. When home becomes a space where they can remove their armour, confidence becomes authentic again.
Growth whispered, not shouted
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He was confident, almost theatrical, until I asked how he was really sleeping. That single question broke the act. Beneath achievement was exhaustion, the kind that applause can’t cure. Confidence without rest becomes costume. We worked on letting him remove it without shame.
Insight, not burden.
I saw him again after graduation. He looked lighter, still ambitious but not armoured. “I’m learning not to audition for life,” he said. Authenticity had replaced performance. When pride no longer depends on perfection, resilience stops being reaction and becomes rhythm. That rhythm is what keeps wellbeing durable.
He dropped by during an alumni event, unhurried for the first time. “I don’t need to be everywhere anymore,” he said. That sentence, small as it was, felt like closure. Balance had become instinct, not strategy. Prevention had done its work — invisible but intact.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “You don’t have to look composed to be capable.” That permission dismantles perfectionism more gently than correction ever could. Authenticity becomes the new metric for success.
2. Say, “It’s okay to notice differences. What matters is how you grow through them.” This normalises challenge as part of connection.
3. Ask: “When was the last time you felt small but safe?” That memory teaches humility without fear.
4. Remind them, “Friendship grows when differences are faced, not hidden.” This frames honesty as strength.
Thank you for joining us in preventing trauma. With steady encouragement, Ayla Thompson, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Thank you for joining us in preventing trauma. With steady encouragement, Ayla Thompson, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
Yours sincerely,
Ayla Thompson
Could You Help ?
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