Dear Parent,
I’m Ellie Shaw, a counsellor and parent. My work across several campuses has shown me how predictable some heartbreaks can be. I found HAPHE at a time when I was looking for a way to reach parents earlier, to make prevention the first conversation, not the last.
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When Freedom Feels Lonely
How independence can magnify loneliness without meaning to
5 Mins
Ellie Shaw
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I met Priya (real name withheld) after a volunteering drive. “I’m behind on sleep, but people need me,” she said. Her voice trembled on the word need. Helping had become hiding—from rest, from feeling, from herself.
She said she’d filled her week with societies and shifts, yet evenings still stretched long. The new flat was silent except for the hum of her laptop. “I thought independence meant peace,” she said. “But it just means nobody notices if I’m sad.” Freedom had turned into a quiet test of endurance.
I thought about how freedom can exhaust those untrained in solitude. She wasn’t failing at independence; she was simply over-invested in the idea of it as proof of adulthood. When one value becomes the entire definition of growth, even peace can feel like loss.
Hearts stretched thin between love and expectation
I’ve read reports describing how independence is celebrated yet seldom taught. Many students equate solitude with failure because nobody explains its stages. Emotional diversification — investing in community, routine, reflection — helps independence feel expansive instead of empty. Freedom thrives when it’s balanced with belonging.
For students learning independence, the hardest part is admitting that freedom sometimes aches. When they call home less, it doesn’t always mean distance; it can mean uncertainty. You can steady them by speaking of solitude as a skill, not a symptom. Tell them you remember learning it too. Let them hear that independence isn’t measured by how far they go alone but by how safely they return to themselves. Presence, even through silence, is still a kind of home.
For students learning independence, the hardest part is admitting that freedom sometimes aches. When they call home less, it doesn’t always mean distance; it can mean uncertainty. You can steady them by speaking of solitude as a skill, not a symptom. Tell them you remember learning it too. Let them hear that independence isn’t measured by how far they go alone but by how safely they return to themselves. Presence, even through silence, is still a kind of home.
The fragile art of letting go
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I met a student who said freedom felt heavier than rules. He’d chased independence so hard that it turned into isolation. It struck me how often we forget that autonomy is sustained by belonging. Freedom, to endure, needs gentle anchors — people, habits, small rituals that remind them the world still holds them even as they move apart.
Gentle insight, not blame.
When his parents visited, I watched the relief that honesty brought. They’d assumed silence meant distance; it meant fatigue. Once they understood, independence stopped being proof and became process. Freedom, I’ve realised, needs understanding witnesses — people who see you clearly but don’t need to steer. That is how young adults learn to stand: with space, not severance.
He graduated that spring and wrote to say thank you for “letting independence breathe.” I remember laughing at that phrase. He’d understood that freedom isn’t the absence of help but the choice to welcome it. What we do in prevention isn’t save them; it’s remind them that support and strength were never opposites.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “What’s something you like about being alone?” Framing solitude as discovery softens its stigma. Students rarely explore this side of independence. When you celebrate their self-time without judgment, they learn that freedom isn’t the absence of company but the presence of self-trust.
2. Suggest exploring a lighter activity alongside their passion. A reminder that variety does not weaken dedication but strengthens it.
3. Say: “What’s one routine that keeps you steady?” Rituals act as anchors. Stability is built, not stumbled upon.
4. Remind them, “Your passion shines brighter when it stands beside others.” This frames variety as enrichment, not dilution.
Your support helps uncover what students often hide. With respect, Ellie Shaw, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Your support helps uncover what students often hide. With respect, Ellie Shaw, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
Yours sincerely,
Ellie Shaw
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Nearly fifteen percent of students described collapse when a single passion was disrupted. CAFÉ Check-Ins help young people hold passions safely within balance, so setbacks do not become trauma. Your contribution makes a difference, and sharing our work online spreads the protection further.
Self, Family, Independence