Dear Parent,
I’m Tomas Hale, a counsellor whose career spans over a decade in student wellbeing. I began volunteering with HAPHE when I realised how often emotional overload was mistaken for strength. Working with students taught me that prevention is not a luxury — it’s the quiet beginning of healing. I write as a parent who’s seen both sides.
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When Love Becomes Their Whole World
What I learned from a student who built her world around one relationship
7 Mins
Tomas Hale
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Lina (real name withheld) sat down softly, eyes fixed on the floor. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. Silence had become her language of overwhelm.
She explained that every plan revolved around him — same lectures, same prayer group, same bus route. When he left for an internship abroad, she didn’t know where to sit in the cafeteria anymore. She scrolled through old messages just to feel steady. It wasn’t the breakup that hurt most; it was the empty structure left behind.
I remember thinking how easy it is for love to become structure — the architecture holding everything up. When that single column shifts, everything trembles. It wasn’t heartbreak I saw; it was imbalance. She had invested too much of her identity into being someone’s certainty.
Faith and secrecy begin to unspool quietly
Across campuses, I notice how often love doubles as structure. Romantic over-investment isn’t about immaturity; it’s about scarcity. Students who place all belonging in one relationship often lose the ability to self-soothe. Studies in attachment show that balance — friendships, interests, community — cushions heartbreak long before it arrives.
If your child has ever tied their mood to a single relationship, you might recognise the quiet collapse that follows separation. The goal isn’t to question their affection but to remind them that connection should multiply, not replace. Ask about the friends they haven’t seen in a while, the hobbies that once filled their evenings. Encourage balance through interest, not intrusion. Your presence can model what healthy attachment looks like — love that holds space instead of tightening it.
If your child has ever tied their mood to a single relationship, you might recognise the quiet collapse that follows separation. The goal isn’t to question their affection but to remind them that connection should multiply, not replace. Ask about the friends they haven’t seen in a while, the hobbies that once filled their evenings. Encourage balance through interest, not intrusion. Your presence can model what healthy attachment looks like — love that holds space instead of tightening it.
Learning to rest without guilt again
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He sat across from me, eyes fixed on the table, describing love as though it were his compass and cage. The beauty was real, but so was the dependency. When all warmth comes from one person, any distance feels like winter. I told him affection should feed the soul, not own it. We spoke of how love multiplies when it doesn’t monopolise.
Stories to support, not accuse.
Weeks later he said he’d gone jogging alone. It sounded simple, but it wasn’t. He’d learned to enjoy his own company again. The emptiness that followed her departure had started turning into space — the kind that lets other parts of life grow. When love stops being ownership, it becomes atmosphere. You feel it, breathe it, but it never has to trap you.
He still visits sometimes, not to talk about loss but about beginnings. His words are lighter now, his plans broader. Love no longer sits at the centre of his world but moves freely through it. Watching him rebuild reminded me that heartbreak can become architecture — the blueprint of wiser investment. The aim was never to stop him loving deeply, only to help him love broadly enough to survive.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “Who are you when they’re not around?” This simple curiosity opens the door to identity beyond romance. Help them recall what existed before the relationship began—skills, humour, faith, curiosity. When the self feels layered again, love can breathe instead of binding. Balance grows quietly in that remembering.
2. Encourage them to share one offline moment that made them smile each day. This gently widens identity beyond the screen.
3. Say: “If this relationship were a story, what chapter are you in?” The metaphor reframes endings as evolution, not catastrophe. Perspective calms panic.
4. Remind them, “You are already enough, with or without a screen.” This steady truth reduces the power of online fluctuations.
Every postcard is insight shared with love, not blame. With quiet respect, Tomas Hale, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Every postcard is insight shared with love, not blame. With quiet respect, Tomas Hale, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
Warmly,
Tomas Hale
Could You Help ?
Over ten percent of students in HAPHE’s records described distress tied to dips in online validation. To prevent fragile dependence, we are building CAFÉ Check-Ins where students learn how to balance anchors and reframe self-worth beyond numbers. Your support strengthens this effort, and sharing our mission online spreads awareness further.
Significant Other, Self, Friends