Dear Parent,
I’m Dr. Anika Patel, a counsellor who has worked in university counselling and mentoring for over fifteen years. HAPHE appealed to me because it turns reflection into prevention. I believe awareness shared between counsellors and parents can lighten burdens before they grow heavy. I write from that shared hope.
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When Success Stops Feeling Safe
When success no longer feels safe enough to enjoy
6 Mins
Dr. Anika Patel
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Isla (real name withheld) turned up after cancelling twice. “Sorry,” she said, “I didn’t want to make it about me.” She’d been caring for two struggling flatmates, her compassion swallowing her sleep. Caring too much had blurred into losing herself.
She showed me spreadsheets of achievements — scholarships, awards, upcoming interviews. “I can’t relax,” she said. “If I stop, it all unravels.” Success had become survival. She couldn’t tell the difference between pride and panic anymore; both felt necessary to stay afloat.
I thought about how success, unchecked, demands renewal like a subscription. She had invested her calm in constant proving. When worth depends on motion, rest feels like guilt. Sustainable excellence requires balance, not endless acceleration.
A gentle soul hiding storms of comparison
Data from wellbeing surveys show that success can create as much instability as failure when it monopolises attention. The psychological term is hedonic adaptation — joy that requires renewal. Students need scaffolds beyond achievement: rest, relationships, ritual. Those who diversify emotional investment stay grounded through both peaks and valleys.
When success leaves your child restless instead of proud, try to notice the strain hidden inside achievement. Congratulate, but also check on rest. Ask what they’ll do to celebrate that doesn’t involve striving. Balance begins when they learn joy is maintenance, not milestone. Your steady acceptance helps them locate peace within progress.
When success leaves your child restless instead of proud, try to notice the strain hidden inside achievement. Congratulate, but also check on rest. Ask what they’ll do to celebrate that doesn’t involve striving. Balance begins when they learn joy is maintenance, not milestone. Your steady acceptance helps them locate peace within progress.
Balance stitched softly between goodbyes
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Success looked flawless on her CV but fragile in her eyes. She whispered, “I’m tired of being impressive.” It was a reminder that external excellence can disguise internal depletion. Prevention here meant giving her permission to be ordinary again — to remember that rest is not regression.
Support without judgement.
I met her months later at a talk — still brilliant, still gentle, but now grounded. “I take breaks now,” she said, almost proudly. It was the most academic sentence I’d ever loved hearing. Rest had become strategy, not shame. Sustainability is the quiet revolution of wellbeing.
I sometimes see her on campus, arms free of folders, walking slowly. The lightness in that stride tells its own story. She once thought stillness was failure; now it’s fluency. Rest became her rebellion, and that rebellion became wisdom.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “How do you rest when the work is done?” Success without recovery is incomplete. Encouraging downtime protects joy from exhaustion.
2. Say, “Shared living always has ups and downs.” This reminder reduces the shock of conflict and keeps belonging intact.
3. Ask: “Who are you celebrating with, not just for?” Inclusion keeps achievement humane.
4. Remind them, “Living together means ups and downs, but both build belonging.” This normalises conflict as part of growth.
Together we can notice patterns before crisis comes. With gratitude, Dr. Anika Patel, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Together we can notice patterns before crisis comes. With gratitude, Dr. Anika Patel, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
With gratitude,
Dr. Anika Patel
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