Dear Parent,
I’m Tobias James, a counsellor who has supported students across three universities. I joined HAPHE after realising how many late-night sessions were really early warning signs missed months before. Prevention isn’t theory — it’s timing. I’m writing as both counsellor and parent, hoping to catch the small things early.
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When the Course No Longer Fits
When a student realises the course they chose no longer fits who they are
7 Mins
Tobias James
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A student I’ll call Leo (real name withheld) arrived with a half-completed withdrawal form. “I used to love this course,” he said quietly. “Now I feel like I’m impersonating myself.” His dream and his degree had stopped matching.
She showed me her timetable covered in red scribbles — deadlines, doubts, arrows looping between options. “I keep wondering who I am if I change my mind,” she said. The course had been chosen at seventeen; the world since then had moved. She feared that stepping away meant unravelling everything her family believed she was.
I realised she was grieving the identity she’d promised everyone. Her fear of change wasn’t indecision but loyalty. When a single path carries too much borrowed meaning, deviation feels like betrayal. She needed permission to diversify her purpose, not abandon it.
The cost of excellence whispered in silence
Across universities, I’ve met countless students outgrowing the courses that once defined them. It’s rarely rebellion; it’s evolution. Studies on academic identity show that guilt often blocks healthy change. Prevention begins when students are encouraged to treat choice as fluid, not final — freeing them to pivot without collapse.
If your child admits that their course no longer fits, resist the instinct to rescue or reprimand. The courage to reassess is rare. Ask what excites them now rather than what worries you. Treat redirection as refinement, not rebellion. Your trust becomes the bridge between what was planned and what’s emerging. Growth doesn’t always look like progress; sometimes it’s permission to pivot.
If your child admits that their course no longer fits, resist the instinct to rescue or reprimand. The courage to reassess is rare. Ask what excites them now rather than what worries you. Treat redirection as refinement, not rebellion. Your trust becomes the bridge between what was planned and what’s emerging. Growth doesn’t always look like progress; sometimes it’s permission to pivot.
Finding stillness without surrendering drive
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He stared at the floor while explaining that his course felt like a promise made by someone he used to be. That honesty carried more courage than any degree could prove. We talked about how direction is not destiny, and re-charting the map doesn’t dishonour the journey.
Patterns worth sharing.
He switched courses, half terrified and half alive. Watching him describe future plans, I saw relief disguised as fear. Change was no longer betrayal but alignment. Redirection doesn’t mean starting over; it means continuing more truthfully. Stability is built not by resisting movement, but by learning to move consciously.
He sent a postcard from his new department that read simply, “I’m where I’m supposed to be.” Sometimes prevention looks like redirection — guiding energy toward alignment rather than endurance. It’s a gentle science, helping them see that stability is not the absence of motion but the presence of meaning.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “If you could choose again, what would curiosity pick?” Framing reflection as choice, not crisis, helps them accept course changes with dignity. You model permission to evolve without shame.
2. Encourage them to choose one activity purely for joy. Variety rooted in pleasure balances achievement-driven pursuits.
3. Ask: “If you weren’t afraid to disappoint anyone, what would you try next?” Curiosity untangles guilt from ambition.
4. Remind them, “Doing things just for joy makes achievement steadier.” This affirms balance as protection, not weakness.
Together we can notice patterns before crisis comes. With respect, Tobias James, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Together we can notice patterns before crisis comes. With respect, Tobias James, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
Yours faithfully,
Tobias James
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