Dear Parent,
Thank you for taking a moment to read this. I’m Chika Mba, a counsellor who has worked across three universities and one who still sees every story as new. I joined the HAPHE movement because I saw how many struggles could be prevented if we spoke about balance before crisis arrived. I write to you now as both a counsellor and a parent who believes prevention begins at home.
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When the Dream Becomes Their Whole World
What I saw when ambition turned from purpose to pressure
5 Mins
Chika Mba
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Last winter, Maya (real name withheld) kept rescheduling until she appeared with a society hoodie and tired eyes. “Everyone thinks I love it,” she sighed. Her laughter was loud but brief. Group life had started feeling like exile in plain sight.
She described nights spent revising the same case studies long after midnight, not because she needed to but because she feared slowing down. Every friendship had become a study group; every hobby an extension of her résumé. When she talked about the future, her shoulders tensed as if bracing for impact. I realised her ambition had stopped being fuel and had become furniture — every piece of her life arranged around it.
It struck me that ambition can disguise dependence. She wasn’t chasing success as much as fleeing the threat of stillness. I’ve learned that when one pursuit absorbs all emotional energy, it becomes both lifeline and trap. The danger isn’t failure; it’s forgetting that selfhood needs more than one anchor.
Quiet ache behind bright university corridors
I’ve seen this pattern in many high achievers. Research into student wellbeing suggests that ambition itself isn’t the problem; it’s the emotional concentration that follows. When every bit of identity gathers around one pursuit, the threat of loss feels existential. Prevention begins not in detachment but in distribution — letting value live in more than one place.
If your child sounds like her — driven, certain, always working toward one outcome — they may not need pressure to succeed but permission to breathe. You can help by staying curious rather than corrective. Ask about the smaller joys that once filled their time; remind them that those joys still count. The most powerful prevention isn’t a plan, it’s perspective — letting them know they are already whole, even as their dreams take shape. When they see that you notice the person behind the pursuit, ambition softens back into purpose.
If your child sounds like her — driven, certain, always working toward one outcome — they may not need pressure to succeed but permission to breathe. You can help by staying curious rather than corrective. Ask about the smaller joys that once filled their time; remind them that those joys still count. The most powerful prevention isn’t a plan, it’s perspective — letting them know they are already whole, even as their dreams take shape. When they see that you notice the person behind the pursuit, ambition softens back into purpose.
Truth whispered between half-spoken fears
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When I think of that session, I still remember how tightly she held her planner, as if order itself could stop uncertainty. I realised then that success can quietly become an emotional monopoly. When every ounce of energy sits in one dream, the smallest delay feels like collapse. The art of prevention is not to shrink ambition but to expand identity around it, so one pause doesn’t erase the whole picture.
Context, not accusation.
She later sent a message saying she’d slept for the first time in weeks. That small detail meant more than grades or goals. It reminded me that calm doesn’t come from certainty but from loosened grip. When energy spreads across friendships, hobbies, and faith, life becomes less about defending one dream and more about living within many. That, perhaps, is what thriving quietly looks like.
When I think of her now, I see calm replacing the old hurry. It wasn’t that her ambitions shrank, but that her sense of self grew to hold more than achievement. She learned to distribute her care: friends, faith, leisure, laughter. The scale evened out. Prevention isn’t about warning them what not to do; it’s about helping them see what else there is to live for when one thing shifts. Balance, once seen, is rarely forgotten.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “Tell me what else lights you up besides your main goal.” Inviting them to name the smaller passions underneath the big pursuit helps diversify emotional energy. When they begin to see value in many directions, they rediscover that purpose is plural. Your question reminds them that one dream should never have to hold all joy.
2. Ask your child, “What would still matter to you if this plan changed?” This helps them imagine other anchors that can steady them.
3. Ask: “Who do you admire outside your field?” Encouraging admiration without competition diversifies aspiration. It helps them learn from difference rather than mirror it.
4. Say, “Your dream matters, and so does the rest of you.” This reassures them that ambition is part of life, not the whole of it.
We honour your steady love in changing times. With care, Chika Mba, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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We honour your steady love in changing times. With care, Chika Mba, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
With gratitude,
Chika Mba
Could You Help ?
Nearly one in five students in our journals described their whole identity tied to a single dream. To prevent collapse when setbacks come, we are setting up CAFÉ Check-Ins across universities. Each session provides young people with tools to diversify, balance, and plan for change. Your support helps make this possible. If you cannot give, please consider sharing our work on your social media to widen support.
Dreams/Education, Self, Career