Dear Parent,
I’m Dominic Keane. After years counselling students across different universities, I found that prevention isn’t about avoiding pain — it’s about equipping minds before life tests them. The HAPHE approach felt like a natural extension of that belief. I’m writing as both counsellor and parent, trying to bridge two worlds that love the same young people.
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When the Group Stops Feeling Like Home
What unfolds when belonging starts to feel conditional
5 Mins
Dominic Keane
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Two weeks ago, Hannah (real name withheld) booked an urgent slot after missing three. “Everything’s changing too fast,” she said. Between tears and jokes, she kept repeating, “I used to know who I was.” Change had come before readiness.
She told me how leading the society had given her a sense of purpose — until the conflict. “We built this together,” she said, “and now it feels like they’ve built a wall.” What had once connected her now confined her. She missed meetings but checked the group chat daily, hoping someone would ask her back.
I noticed that what hurt most wasn’t rejection but dislocation. She had given all her energy to belonging, until belonging became conditional. Once the group withdrew, she had no scaffolding left. Community should be shared ground, not a lease on acceptance.
When laughter hides the fear of losing face
I see this in group dynamics everywhere: inclusion giving way to exclusion as soon as values shift. Sociological studies suggest that over-identification with a group increases vulnerability to rejection. The prevention isn’t leaving groups but keeping parallel identities alive — so one fracture doesn’t shatter everything.
If your child once felt secure inside a group that now feels cold, it may help to remember how identity expands through friction. They might not be lost — only shedding an old shape. Encourage them to keep friendships that allow difference. Speak of belonging as something chosen daily, not owed. When they hear you honour growth over approval, they relearn that acceptance is healthiest when it breathes.
If your child once felt secure inside a group that now feels cold, it may help to remember how identity expands through friction. They might not be lost — only shedding an old shape. Encourage them to keep friendships that allow difference. Speak of belonging as something chosen daily, not owed. When they hear you honour growth over approval, they relearn that acceptance is healthiest when it breathes.
When care finally meets clarity
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When the group unravelled, she called it “losing myself.” I remember thinking how identity borrowed too heavily is always at risk of repossession. It isn’t betrayal to grow past a circle that once felt like home. Sometimes leaving is the only way to stay whole. Prevention begins with teaching that comfort and change can share the same table.
Windows into the hidden.
She emailed months later saying she’d joined a different society — smaller, quieter, more real. The old group hadn’t failed; it had finished. There’s grace in recognising completion without resentment. Every ending frees time and emotion for the next connection to form. Diversity in belonging is not disloyalty; it’s maintenance of self.
She came back one day just to say the new group felt smaller but truer. Her words carried the relief of belonging without performance. Growth isn’t always expansion; sometimes it’s pruning. I realised again that prevention lives inside proportion — the awareness that connection, when balanced, never requires self-erasure.
A Few Tips
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1. Say: “What kind of friend lets you be silent and still feel safe?” This reframes belonging around ease rather than effort. Encouraging them to identify spaces where they don’t perform teaches discernment. Balance begins when acceptance stops requiring adaptation.
2. Say, “Who else makes you laugh like that?” Small prompts like this encourage them to expand connections naturally.
3. Say: “What surprised you about yourself this term?” Discovery reframes dislocation as growth.
4. Say, “One bond is special, but many bonds make life steady.” This normalises variety without diminishing closeness.
Every postcard is insight shared with love, not blame. With care, Dominic Keane, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
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Every postcard is insight shared with love, not blame. With care, Dominic Keane, Student Counsellor writing for HAPHE.
With thanks,
Dominic Keane
Could You Help ?
One in ten students in HAPHE’s research tied their whole wellbeing to one friend. When conflict came, collapse followed. Our CAFÉ Check-Ins steady students by widening their anchors and building balance. Your support helps protect against isolation. Sharing our work online multiplies the impact.
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