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When I entered college, I believed that every person I met was a potential best friend. Like many, I was eager to find my group—my tribe—and throw myself into a new chapter of life filled with friendships that I thought would last forever.
What I didn’t understand back then, and what I painfully learned, is that not all friendships are created equal. Some people come into your life for a season, some for mutual benefit, and a rare few become the kind of deep friends you treasure for life.
But back then, I didn't know that. And not knowing led me down a road of confusion, disappointment, and hurt that could have been avoided if I had just understood the types of friendships and where each fit into my life. Here's my story.
My College Experience: A Cautionary Tale
When I arrived on campus, I quickly fell in with a group of people who seemed like they were going to be my ride-or-die friends. We did everything together—dinner, parties, study sessions—so I naturally assumed that these were the deep friendships I’d always heard about. They were fun and it was exciting to feel like I finally had a group. But as the semester wore on, I began to realize that something wasn’t quite right.
I was always the one making plans. If I didn't reach out, days would go by without a text. One night, I walked past a restaurant and saw my so-called friends sitting together at dinner, laughing and joking like I wasn’t even a thought in their minds. No invite. Nothing. I stood there for a moment, staring, and then quickly turned away before they could see me.
That moment stung deeply. I felt betrayed and confused. I thought we were a solid group, so why wasn’t I included? It wasn’t until much later that I understood: these were Friendships of Pleasure and Utility, not the Friendships of the Good I’d been seeking. We bonded over shared experiences, but the emotional investment wasn’t mutual.
Yet, because I didn’t know how to differentiate between the types of friendships, I had placed expectations on these people that they couldn’t meet. And the disappointment that followed? It nearly consumed me.
I tried harder—texting more, suggesting more hangouts—but that only made things worse. The more I pushed for closeness, the more they pulled away. I was exhausting myself emotionally on people who weren’t capable of or interested in the kind of deep friendship I was looking for.
I wish I had known then what I know now.
Reflection: The 5 Things I Learned About Friendships at College
After that experience, I did a lot of reflecting, trying to figure out why it hurt so much and what I could’ve done differently. These are the five key lessons I took away from my time at college, and I hope they help you navigate your own friendships more wisely:
1. Categorize Your Friendships Early On
Not every friendship is destined to be deep or lifelong, and that’s okay! Some people are Acquaintances—you’ll chat at the library or see them in class, but you won’t text regularly or confide in them. Others might be Friends of Utility—they’re great study buddies or teammates, but the bond is tied to the situation you’re in together, not to who you are as people. Learning to recognize this early on will save you heartache.
2. Don’t Over-Invest in Surface-Level Relationships
I made the mistake of pouring my heart and energy into people who were never going to reciprocate at that level. Friendships of Pleasure can be a lot of fun, but they often don’t come with deep emotional support. Recognize what each friendship offers and invest accordingly. It’s important to enjoy your time with friends, but if you’re the only one putting in the effort, it’s time to reevaluate.
3. Seek Out Friendships of the Good—But Don’t Rush It
These are the deep, meaningful connections that we all crave, but they don’t form overnight. True friendships take time and require vulnerability, trust, and mutual investment. Be patient. Don’t force people into roles they aren’t ready for. Sometimes, those connections evolve slowly over time when you least expect them.
4. Learn to Let Go When Needed
One of the hardest lessons I learned was to let go of friendships that weren’t good for me. It’s easy to hold onto people because of familiarity or fear of being alone, but sometimes, letting go is the healthiest option. Not every friendship is meant to last, and that’s not a reflection of your worth. People grow apart, and that’s okay. Respect the role they played in your life and move forward.
5. Diversify Your Emotional Investment
This is probably the most important lesson I can share. Don’t put all your emotional eggs in one basket. Invest in different types of friendships, relationships, and activities. Relying too heavily on one group or person can set you up for disappointment. When you diversify your emotional connections, you’ll feel more balanced and less devastated if one area falls apart.
Final Thoughts
Looking back, I can see how naive I was in college. I thought every friendship would be deep and meaningful, but that’s not how it works. Not everyone you meet is meant to be in your life forever, and not every friendship requires the same emotional investment.
I’m sharing this story with you because I wish someone had told me these things when I was younger. I want you to avoid the same pain and confusion that I went through. Remember, it’s okay to have different types of friends for different purposes, and it’s okay to let go when a friendship no longer serves you. Know your worth, and don’t be afraid to invest in yourself first.
As you navigate your time at university, take these lessons to heart. They will help you not only survive but thrive during these pivotal years. And who knows—when you least expect it, you might just find that Friendship of the Good that will last a lifetime.
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