Knowing When To Rebalance, Not Block Friends

By ToyingLawal

I’m Toyin Lawal—call me Tony if you’d like. As a Nigerian-born student studying International Development in Birmingham, I often find myself balancing a fascination with social structures and the simple joys of puff-puff (because, yes, some things just taste like home). But today, let’s chat about friendships and managing our emotional investments.

I used to have a friend—let’s call her Zainab—who had this talent for cutting people off when she felt they weren’t “good” for her anymore. I remember one particular afternoon we were having our usual tea session (and yes, I made her try Nigerian hibiscus tea this time). She told me about yet another friend she’d “cleared out” of her life. She saw it as preserving her peace, but all I could think was, “Girl, do you realize you’re tossing out connections like expired milk?”

But hey, I got it—sometimes the only way to feel in control is to make a clean break. The problem is, it doesn’t always work that way. Zainab saw friendships in black and white, but as HAPHE philosophy reminds us, not everything has to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes it’s about adjusting our expectations, reallocating that emotional energy rather than cutting it off completely.

A Friendship Crisis of My Own

I learned this the hard way myself. I once had a friend, Seyi, who was practically my right hand through my first year. We were inseparable—group projects, movie nights, even hiking (which, let’s be real, I’m not cut out for, but hey, it was for Seyi). Fast forward to the second year, and our paths started diverging. Seyi got into a serious relationship, and suddenly, Friday nights were “date nights,” and my movie partner was nowhere to be found.

Now, a younger version of Tony might’ve gotten a bit…dramatic. I thought, “How dare she abandon me like that?” But then HAPHE came into the picture, reminding me that connections are supposed to serve our well-being, not become weights that pull us down. Instead of feeling betrayed, I realized Seyi and I simply needed to shift. The friendship wasn’t ending; it was just evolving.

Reallocation, Not Removal

Here’s where the HAPHE philosophy came into play: rather than “cutting off” friends when they’re no longer what we expect, we can reallocate our emotional investments. Think of it as rearranging car seats rather than tossing people out. I had to adjust my expectations of Seyi—not see her as my “every Friday night friend” anymore, but rather someone I could catch up with when our schedules allowed.

HAPHE encourages this idea of “emotional capital,” where each friendship is an investment. And like any investment, there’s risk and reward. Some friendships provide deep emotional support, while others are just for laughs or shared activities. It’s about knowing which “category” they fall into and shifting them around as needed. With Seyi, it was less about severing ties and more about finding a new balance.

Tea, Talks, and Emotional Capital

When I explained this to Zainab over tea one day, she looked skeptical. “Tony, if someone isn’t good for me, they’re out,” she said, with that classic eye roll. I just shook my head and laughed. But I told her, “Think about emotional capital, Zainab. Every friendship you’ve built holds some form of value. Cutting people off entirely? That’s like withdrawing all your investments just because one stock dipped. You’re losing out on potential connections that could still add value—just in a different way.”

And that’s the thing. Realigning friendships doesn’t mean they lose importance. It just means they serve a different role. When you have a diverse “portfolio” of friendships, you’re less likely to feel the sting of one connection shifting because you’re not overly reliant on it for all your emotional needs.

A Few Lessons For Navigating Changing Friendships

1. Reallocate, Don’t Remove:

Friendships don’t have to be “all or nothing.” Just because a friendship’s depth changes doesn’t mean it’s worthless. HAPHE reminds us to value connections based on what they can currently offer, not just what they once provided.

2. Emotional Capital is Finite:

Like money, your emotional energy is limited. Spend it wisely, but don’t throw away an entire “investment” because it doesn’t yield immediate returns. Realigning friendships can preserve the value of past investments.

3. Diversify Your Social Portfolio:

Don’t rely on just one friend for all your emotional needs. Building varied friendships with different roles can prevent burnout and keep you balanced, especially when one friendship shifts.

4. Adjust Your Expectations:

Sometimes, a friend who was once your go-to person might become more casual over time. That’s okay. Realign how you view the friendship and enjoy it for what it is now, rather than holding onto what it used to be.

5. Embrace Change Without Guilt:

Friendships evolving doesn’t mean you’re losing someone; it just means the connection is changing form. Embrace these shifts flexibly; remember, it’s a natural part of life.

Give It Room to Breathe

Looking back, I’m grateful for the friendships that have shifted and evolved. They taught me that realigning doesn’t mean losing someone; it just gives you and the other person space to grow.

Next time a friend’s role changes in your life, don’t see it as an end. Think of it as giving that friendship room to breathe, letting it fit naturally into the ever-changing mosaic of your life.