Is The Way You Do Friendship Draining You?

By AlexGrant

In my first year at university, I had this terrible habit of keeping score with my friends. You know, that little mental checklist of who did what for whom?

I’d offer to help someone with coursework, and in the back of my mind, I’d expect them to return the favour. I’d pick up coffee for a friend, and if they didn’t do something nice for me soon after, I’d get quietly annoyed. It wasn’t like I wanted to be petty or anything, but there it was—this nagging feeling that I wasn’t getting my due.

The funny thing is, nobody told me this was unhealthy. Not until much later, when I came across the HAPHE philosophy—this way of seeing emotional energy like capital—did I realize what I was doing wrong. I’d been treating friendships like transactions, expecting a one-for-one exchange of effort. But here’s the truth: that mindset will leave you completely drained. It’s not just that friendships don’t work that way, it’s that life doesn’t.

The Silent Cost of Keeping Score

Let me tell you about one of my best mates, Jake. He’s one of those genuinely kind people who always goes out of his way to help others. Naturally, I gravitated toward him because he was someone I could count on. But for some reason, I started thinking, I do a lot for Jake—he better show up for me when I need him.

Here’s the thing: Jake did show up—just not always in the way I expected. There was this one time I needed help moving out of my dorm. He wasn’t available, but he did something else a week later that totally slipped under my radar. I didn’t see it then, but it wasn’t about keeping score. Jake was there in different ways, and I’d been too focused on my little mental tally to see it.

I remember getting frustrated, thinking, Why am I always the one doing the heavy lifting? But HAPHE later helped me realize that this frustration wasn’t because Jake wasn’t pulling his weight—it was because I had built this invisible scorecard in my head, which, let’s be honest, no one asked for.

HAPHE’s Take on Emotional Capital: Stop Treating Friendships Like a Ledger

In the HAPHE philosophy, emotional energy is like a bank account—it’s finite, and you have to be careful where and how you spend it. But, unlike financial investments, it’s not about getting back the exact same amount from the exact same person. Friendships—and life in general—don’t work on a strict give-and-take model.

What HAPHE really drives home is that you can’t go around expecting direct returns on every bit of emotional energy you spend. That’s where the real exhaustion comes in. It’s like trying to get cashback every time you buy a cup of coffee—you’re going to be seriously disappointed when you realize that’s not how the system works.

Instead of keeping a tally of every favor or every act of kindness, HAPHE encourages us to look at the bigger picture. Emotional capital flows in and out of your life, sometimes from places you didn’t expect. It’s like how sometimes you don’t get a favor back from the same person you helped, but someone else steps in later when you need it most. It’s all about spreading that emotional investment across different areas, understanding that life has its own way of balancing out.

The Burnout of Expecting Too Much

When you keep score, you’re basically putting yourself on an emotional treadmill. You expect a return for every bit of effort, and when that doesn’t come right away, you feel short-changed. It’s exhausting. I know because I burned myself out doing it.

With Jake, for example, I didn’t see that our friendship was about the long game. Sure, he didn’t help me move that one time, but the way he showed up for me in other moments was worth way more than that one instance. HAPHE teaches that when you stop keeping score, you free yourself from the constant feeling of emotional debt. You give because you care, and you trust that the people in your life will come through for you in ways that matter—even if it’s not right when you expect it.

A Lesson in Emotional Balance

One day, during a particularly stressful week of exams, I sat down with Jake and casually mentioned how I’d felt like I was always the one putting in the effort. I wasn’t expecting much of a response, but what he said floored me: “I didn’t realize you felt that way. I don’t think of it as keeping track—I just figure we’re there for each other when it counts.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so caught up in my mental ledger that I’d forgotten the essence of real friendship: trust. Trust that the people in your life will show up, not necessarily tit-for-tat, but in the ways that truly matter.

This is what HAPHE really emphasizes—friendships aren’t about perfectly balanced give-and-take. They’re about investing emotional energy where it feels right, trusting that the flow of emotional capital will even out over time. Sometimes you give more, sometimes you take more. But when you stop counting, you realize that balance comes naturally.

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5 Key Lessons from HAPHE on Letting Go of the Scorecard

1. Friendships Are Not Transactions

You’re not buying emotional debt when you do something nice for a friend. HAPHE teaches us that emotional well-being isn’t about counting every gesture or act of kindness. Friendships thrive on mutual trust, not perfect balance.

2. Emotional Energy Isn’t Always Immediate

Just because you don’t see an immediate return on your emotional investment doesn’t mean it’s not there. Trust that the energy will come back to you, but maybe from a different source, and in a way you weren’t expecting.

3. Keeping Score Is Exhausting

Tracking every interaction or favor will leave you emotionally drained. When you give without expectation, you save yourself the emotional exhaustion of waiting for a return.

4. Focus on the Long-Term

Friendships, like emotional capital, aren’t about short-term gains. Some gestures may not be reciprocated right away, but over time, you’ll find that the balance naturally evens out.

5. Trust the Flow of Emotional Capital

The best thing about HAPHE is that it teaches us to trust the process. Stop focusing on what you’re owed, and start trusting that the emotional energy you give will come back to you when you need it most—even if it doesn’t come from the same place.

Final Thoughts: Give, Take, and Stop Counting

The next time you feel like you’re putting more into a friendship than you’re getting back, take a step back and think about the bigger picture. Are you keeping a mental scorecard? Are you expecting immediate returns? If so, it’s time to shift your mindset.

HAPHE has taught me that friendships are like long-term emotional investments—they don’t always pay off right away, but when they do, it’s often in ways that are far more meaningful than you could have planned. So, let go of the scorecard. Give where it feels right, and trust that emotional balance will come—maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when it really counts.