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Leaving the nest and taking your first step into university life can be… pretty nerve-wracking, to say the least. Not only do you have to navigate the stress of assignments and learning to be independent — fyi, I’m still figuring out how to not burn eggs to this day! — but you also have to navigate meeting new people too. The pressure to find a group of friends you click with can be especially overwhelming. After all, we’re told countless times that university is the place where we’ll meet those “friends for life.”
When I was a fresher, I remember being desperate to connect with someone and make the “most” of my university experience. Despite being an introverted bookworm who seriously hates partying, I forced myself to attend socials and night outs, and partake in drinking games… And, yeah. I seriously regret chugging down a nausea-inducing concoction of vodka and ketchup in an attempt to fit in. Not my proudest moment.
When I Met Haley
That’s why I was so relieved when I first met Haley. She introduced herself as a fellow introvert and told me that she too preferred to navigate the halls of libraries than the crowds of drunken dancers. We clicked immediately and ended up spending practically every day together.
We would binge-watch our favorite book-to-screen adaptations, had late-night study seshes at her flat, and baked culinary delights (and yes, we did share them with her flatmates too!). We soon realized we had more in common than we thought, and at times, it truly felt like she was my doppelganger.
In hindsight, our immediate connection was probably a telltale sign that something wasn’t quite right. However, I was swept up in the relief of finding a friend I gelled with so quickly. And as time went on, and we continued to strengthen our bond, it felt like I had finally met someone I would grow old with. I would often picture us as old nans crocheting flower bookmarks and nattering on about the good ol’ days.
It was subtle at first. She opened up to me about how she lost all her friends at sixth form — I would later find out that it was quite the opposite, but that’s another story — and how her family was never once supportive of her. She would cry and tell me she was scared I would leave her too, that I would change and abandon her. I would reassure her, and tell her that she never deserved any of this. That she was a kind, thoughtful person, and that I would always be there for her, no matter what.
An All-Consuming Bond
I quickly became her shoulder to cry on and her emotional crutch. I was happy that I could be there for her and that she felt she could rely on me. However, it soon became all-consuming.
Conversations quickly turned one-sided and she would expect me to skip lectures, seminars, and other social events to comfort her when she was down or needed to vent. If I opened up about my difficulties, she would dismiss them and tell me I had it easy compared to her, and that I was lucky to only have those problems in life.
Without knowing how to establish clear boundaries, and with this inner, self-imposed pressure that I had to maintain this friendship no matter what, I immediately sacrificed my time (and voice) to be there for her.
However, more often than not, I was left drained. I fell behind on my workload and had to resort to energy drinks and 4 am study nights to stay afloat. As time went on, I found myself losing myself. My reflection became distorted and it felt like I was a kaleidoscope, constantly shifting to please her everchanging needs.
The interests that connected us at the start soon became things that pulled me away from her, and she would, albeit subtly, encourage me to give them up. If she saw me talk to others, she would be quick to pull me away and tell me that I no longer cared for her and that I wasn’t being a good friend. Her words at times, while no doubt fuelled from a place of hurt, were sharp. Small comments quickly spiralled into hurled insults — she had the right, she said, because I was abandoning her like everyone else. In the end, it all became too much for me to manage.
Real Friendships Are About Mutual Respect
It’s important to be there for your friends and support them when times are tough. However, a real friendship isn’t one-sided; it shouldn’t cause you to sacrifice your well-being and leave you feeling drained, and unable to support yourself. It shouldn’t require you to give up your passions, hobbies, or aspirations, and it certainly doesn’t mean changing yourself to please them.
A real friendship is about mutual respect and supporting one another — spending time with them should recharge you rather than deplete your energy.
Of course, I speak from first-hand experience when I say it can be tricky to spot the difference between an “energy-boosting” friendship and one that drains you. In fact, it was only when others pointed out the difference in me that I realised my friendship with Haley wasn’t sustainable in the long term and was taking its toll.
Signs to Spot The Difference Between Toxic vs Healthy Friendships
While there is no one-size-fits-all answer here, there are a few telltale signs that can help you spot the difference.
1. They Make You Feel Happy, Confident, and Motivated
The easiest way to tell if a friend recharges you is to consider how you feel after spending time with them. Your interactions should leave you feeling happy, confident, and motivated, and in a better place than before. They’ll elicit genuine smiles and laughs, and you’ll look forward to seeing them again.
In comparison, a friend who drains you will leave you feeling tired and overwhelmed. You’ll probably be left stressed and brimming with self-doubt, and have a sinking feeling in your stomach the moment their messages pop up on your phone.
2. You Feel Comfortable Sharing Your Experiences with Them
When you have a true friend by your side, you feel confident (and even eager!) to share your thoughts and experiences with them, both the good, the bad, and the little and big. If you feel yourself hesitating when you hit that “send” button, consider the reason why. Are you afraid that they’ll minimize your achievements or be overly critical? Are you afraid that you’ll inconvenience them?
A true friend will be happy to listen and never make you feel like a burden. They’ll reciprocate in a way that makes you feel confident, loved, and heard, rather than dismissed.
3. You Respect Each Other’s Boundaries
A true friend would never try to pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with. They’ll respect your boundaries and not treat “no” as an opportunity to debate or persuade you into a “yes.”
You should also consider whether you feel confident enough to assert your boundaries. If you’re scared to communicate or feel that sticking to your boundaries will result in more conflict, then that’s a pretty telltale sign your friendship isn’t built on mutual respect. Sacrificing your boundaries to please a friend will leave you feeling exhausted and drained in the long run.
4. You Consider Each Other’s Feelings, Hobbies, and Interests
Take a moment to reflect on the moments you have spent with your friend. What kinds of activities do you get up to together? Is it a mix of things you both enjoy or do you find yourself often going along with what your friend wants? Has your friend been open to exploring activities you’re passionate about, or do they immediately turn down all your suggestions?
A true friend will encourage you to delve into your passions, and more importantly, look forward to hearing you talk all about them. They’ll also be supportive of your goals and interests without judgment.
5. You Aren’t Afraid to Disagree with Them
Chronic people pleasers — this one is for you! Disagreements are a natural part of life, and there will always be times when you and your friend aren’t going to see eye to eye. In a true friendship, you’re able to accept each other’s differences and come to a healthy compromise (or agree to disagree).
If you find yourself fearing you’ll lose your friend the moment you disagree with them, then there’s a good chance that you’re not in a healthy friendship. Over time, repressing your thoughts, opinions, and views will wear you down and deplete your energy.
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A healthy friendship is a bit like rowing across a flowing river; there will be twists, bumps, and dips along the way, and at times you may disagree about which way to steer. However, the journey is also bursting full of life, adventure, and treasurable moments, and you ultimately work together to set sail on a course you both look forward to.
My friendship with Haley never quite felt like this — at times, it truly felt like I was drowning myself to please her.
If there’s anything to take away from my story, then it’s this: Be true to yourself, respect your boundaries, and consider whether your friendship fills you with confidence and happiness. If you feel drained, exhausted, or stressed after spending time around them, then you may want to re-evaluate the friendship.
Looking to learn more about how to foster meaningful, healthy connections? Make sure to visit our dedicated HAPHE Hub, a place where you can gain personal, lived advice on mental wellness and resilience.
HAPHE is a non-profit charity committed to trauma-induced depression prevention. You can learn more about our cause here. Want to get involved? Why not take part in our Short Film Project or Tell Your Story?
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