Not All Friendships Are Created Equal: Understanding the Types and Their Value

By Ore Adeyinka

When you think of friendships, who comes to mind? Perhaps it’s the friend that you’ve known since primary school or someone you met during a social activity (whether it was in your hometown,

college or university).

If you look up the definition of “friendship”, the search results come up with varying definitions which all include “friends”. For example, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines friendship as “the state of being friends”. Similarly, the Cambridge Dictionary states: “a situation in which two people are friends”. From these definitions, I think it’s fair to say that one needs to know what a friend IS before understanding how friendships can differ.

The Oxford English Dictionary states that a friend is “a person with whom one has developed a close and informal relationship of mutual trust and intimacy (more generally); a close acquaintance.” I know what you’re thinking right

now – “I already know what a friend is”. This may well be the case, but we often use the term “friend” quite loosely.

Understanding that there are different types of friendships can help us navigate through life gracefully and limit the desire to place unrealistic expectations on others. Friendships are a form of relationships – in a platonic sense. They require mutual effort, love, and care. Let’s look at the word “ship”. The purpose of a ship is to get you from one place to another. It is part of your journey – from a practical perspective, this could look like going on a cruise ship to a range of islands across the Caribbean or a ship taking you across the English coast.

Just like ships, friends help us journey through life and weather the storms (no pun intended!) that may arise. However, not all friendships are created equally, and I am about to tell you why that is the case.

Lifelong Friendships aka “Day Ones”

These are the most widely recognised type of friendships. As I mentioned earlier, when you think of friendships, you may think of a friend that you’ve known since childhood. They’ve always been there – whether you’ve shared incredible memories together as children / teenagers, silly nicknames, or inside jokes (you know, the jokes that do not make sense to anyone else). This person gets you like no other. You may not talk to them every single day,

but whenever you do catch up, it’s as if no time has passed at all.

Sometimes these friendships can be familial, i.e. this could be a cousin who you have spent most of your life hanging out with.

Lifelong friendships sometimes feel like they know you better than you know yourself! They’ve seen different versions of you and watched you grow up.

Close Friends

You can meet close friends at any stage of your life. You may have known for 10 years, two years, or even a couple of months. These are the individuals that provide you with moral support. You feel comfortable opening up to them and being supportive of their needs too.

Close friends are also formed through shared interests – music tastes, sports, or other hobbies. We feel connected to these people as we share something in common. Now, we

may not share everything in common or we may be very different, but at their core, it is their character that we are drawn to.

Acquaintances

These are the people that if we bump into them in a shop or social gathering, we may say a quick: “hi, how are you?”, but the interaction is brief. You do feel comfortable in sharing deeply personal matters with such individuals as the relationship is surface level. An acquaintance can be a co-worker who you run into by the coffee machine, or it could be someone you met at a networking event.

Work Friends

Sometimes an acquaintance at work can turn into a friend as seen by the term, “work friends”. At times, you see these work friends more than your lifelong / close friends and family! You have a shared bond in the fact that you work for the same company and therefore this individual understands the ins and outs of working life. They understand how some days can be mundane and they may contribute to providing you with a couple of laughs here and

there.

Causal Friends

Causal friends do not require the same level of emotional investment as a close friend. What does a casual friend look like? It could be someone you think of when you would like to see

the latest Marvel movie. This is the person that you would message without hesitation. Or perhaps Marvel movies aren’t your thing at all, and you enjoy hanging out with them at the

pub or [insert your desired hang out spot of choice].

Another difference between casual friends and close friends is that friendships in this category do not tend to have much depth. Although you love watching Marvel movies together, there is no deeper bond beyond that - you do not share your deepest concerns/worries or intimate musings. They may not be the best person to speak to about something personal to you but if you want to have a good time with them, then they’re your person.

There are other categories of friendships that may come to mind. In a digital age, many of us spend a lot of time on social media and you may have made new friends online through shared interests. For example, an online book club. There are “best” friends and group friends… the list could go on! As you

would have seen from the different categories, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to friendships.

Sometimes, there is a tendency to have “close friends” expectations for someone who is merely an acquaintance to you. When you think about the friendships in your life, are you able to

categorise them in your mind? Are there some people that clearly fit into one category? Or are there some people where the categories are rather blurred? As I mentioned before, you could have an acquaintance who later becomes a work friend, and who knows, perhaps that work friend ends up becoming a close friend!

It is important to understand that just as there are ebbs and flows in life, the same also applies to friendships. Some friends who started off as lifelong friends become acquaintances and vice versa.

Friendships are not static and sometimes they change form due to different circumstances. The important thing is recognising that while some friendships may not be of “equal” value, per se, they

all serve a different purpose. It’s up to you to decide what that purpose is but make sure you are not promoting someone unnecessarily.

If someone is a casual friend, do not expect to have the same level of emotional investment as a lifelong friend. It’s unfair on them and on you. Some friends get “promoted” in your life and some get “demoted” … this is completely okay. It can be difficult to grapple with your friendship taking a different form than what you may have hoped. However, I like to hold on to the belief that you have not necessarily met every single person who will later be a dear friend to you.

Sometimes the greatest friendships can arrive later in life, hope is not lost! Look after your friendships and understand that they are journeys after all and can truly be a source of joy in life.

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